“I’m a shower,” he said, shyly, of the 9.5in of schlong clearly visible through even the most carefully designed pants and thrown into even greater relief by the fact that Joe himself was 5ft 6in tall and weighed – well, I think it was less than his penis, which was literally thicker than his forearm. There was Joe’s, which could not have been more specific if he’d tried. Sometimes they are about small penises, more often about large, but they are all essentially flippant, cleaving to the underlying point-and-laugh formula that has served the British public so well in matters of sex generally, and genitals specifically.Īnd my God, there were some specific genitals in My Massive Cock. They appear with what I consider to be intriguing frequency on all channels, suggesting that commissioning editors and/or film-makers have questions unanswered and insecurities they have not yet overcome (be braver, boys! Or go to therapy!). My Massive Cock seems at first to be following in the un-fine tradition of penis documentaries.

That, it turns out, is the least of the poor man’s problems. “I do get lightheaded when fully hard,” says Matt. But most of the contributors come in at (I told you – just pardon them all, else we’ll be here all day) around 9.5in and Matt and Andy’s are each 10.5in. How big is your penis? Average? Largeish? Big? Ah – but is it documentary big? The entry point – and just pardon the puns from hereon out – for qualifying for shows like My Massive Cock (the latest addition to Channel 4’s Truth and Dare season celebrating the channel’s 40th anniversary, though they style it My Massive ****) seems to be 8in (erect, for the avoidance of doubt).

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